Questions unanswered

How can a quick glance at Instagram throw me into “the pit of despair”?  And then, what I found after a mere search on Google (to see if I could come up with a suitable (or fitting) picture or video of the pit of despair to post) is educational and somewhat eye-opening, though not really surprising.

Whew!  Just two sentences and yet they sum up the ceaseless thoughts that swirl in my mind and lead from one endless idea to another.

I initially was thinking of the pit of despair as described and portrayed in The Princess Bride, one of my all time favorite movies, in an effort to make light of my own despair/depression.  However, the aforementioned search brought me to this video:

Like so many others who suffer with depression and ceaseless thoughts, I can totally relate to choosing comfort over food.  (You must watch the short video I’ve included if you’re scratching your head at this point.)  There’s no telling how many times I’ve gone nearly all day without eating anything and not because I was intentionally fasting.  What is it that causes this supposed unnatural inaction? I’m left pondering the answer to that (even though a quick explanation is given in this video) but also to the question I initially proposed at the beginning of this blogpost.

Hope and Pain

Oh how I wish it were as simple as “just think happy, positive thoughts”! 🙂 Life would be so much sweeter if it were easy to turn one’s thoughts from negative, melancholy things to positive, hopeful things.

The more I read and learn about mental illness, the more I realize it is, unfortunately, not a simple or easy process to switch one’s thoughts.  Perhaps it is for some people.  And yet, I think that for the ones that it’s most easiest, those people do not seem to struggle with ceaseless thoughts.

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking at some sites I have bookmarked on my laptop.  One of the bookmarks was a search I did to see what Myers Briggs personality type Rich Mullins was.  The eighth site down on the list said, “What Myers-Briggs personality type do serial killers usually have?” (Google “picked” it up as a search result because Herbert Mullin, a serial killer from the 1970s, is in the list.)  So then, I looked to see what personality types this site claimed the killers had.  This led to a few other searches.  (Talk about depressing!)  Among other things, I discovered that one of the Columbine shooters (who took his own life as well as the lives of other innocent people) allegedly had depression and struggled with ceaseless thoughts.

All of this to say, many people who suffer with mental illnesses seem to struggle with racing thoughts and/or with incessant thinking.  And, as I mentioned, the more I learn about mental illness, the more I realize and see certain patterns.  Is there an answer for those of us who suffer and struggle?  I wish I knew.  I only hope and pray that in my deepest, darkest moments, I’m able to keep looking to Jesus.

He is truly THE only way, and it’s actually comforting to me to note that He sweated drops of blood and wept and overturned the tables in the temple.  In other words, His life wasn’t all about “thinking happy thoughts.”

I’m not sure where to give credit for this image.  No copyright infringement is intended. I’m “simply happy” that Jesus is portrayed as having “down” times too.

 

Smiles and Snow

If someone could truly see inside my mind and tell me what’s going on with all of the feelings and thoughts that I have, it would be a miracle.  God can see it, I know.  Why He chooses to let some of us have minds that are so intricately intwined with relentless, racing thoughts and yet others seem to be able to think about nothing is beyond me. So much of me wishes to share my inner, deepest secrets or at least my journals that follow the paths of my thoughts through the years.  And yet, if I did, what would the outcome be?  Would anyone notice? Would anyone care?  Would it matter if they did or didn’t?

Somehow I know that I’m not the only one to have ever pondered this.  Here’s one of the things I just wrote in my journal,

So much of me wishes to just sell all that I have, get a camper (no matter how small), and travel North America. But, I find the idea daunting and overwhelming… despite the excitement and exhilaration of it.  So, I revert to “hiding” behind a mask or screen… or fake smiles.

And then, I googled “hiding behind a smile,” and (to me) it’s amazing all of the memes, articles, and even songs that have been written about this.

One song’s lyrics stood out (mainly due to Google… how much money do they get for this, anyway?!).

And then a contrasting song which is utterly the complete opposite (and yet not).  (How redundant is that?!)

(Does anyone else see the irony in the fact that the Snow Globe video uses a camper as the main setting?)

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Come Inside My Mind

As I sit here thinking about so many different things at the same time, I’m simultaneously smiling while dealing with a lump in my throat.  I just watched HBO’s 2018 documentary, Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind.  (I found it somewhere online.)  It has quite a lot of sexual innuendos (and not so innuendos) and includes cussing that, as Pam Dawber alluded to in an interview with TV Guide, would have once been banned on Mork and Mindy.

I continually am amazed at how the human mind works.  Watching and learning more about Robin Williams and his life in a short two hour documentary only makes me even more amazed.  My mind led me to my blog after tweeting a Robin Williams quote just a few minutes ago.  And, I began looking at my blogroll on the sidebar.  I saw Marsha’s blog and wanted to see if she’d added anything in the last few years.  (She hasn’t.)  Her descriptions of grief are eerily similar to my own inner dealings with grief even though we have grieved for two totally different reasons and in two (mostly) totally different ways.

How is it that our minds are so very similar and yet so distinctly different?  Christians would say, “Well, it’s God, of course!”  And, as a believer, I’d agree.  Yet, there is still something compelling about our nature that goes beyond the inexplicable and yet simplistic answer that it all goes back to how we were created by God and in His image.

My own mind feels on the verge of something great… some kind of writing or other creation that would somehow connect all of the pieces together.  And yet, I feel it would be just another form of entertainment, not education or discovery.  So, I find myself backing away from it and not wanting to follow my dream or desire to create something significant.

Perhaps I am similar to how Robin Williams was and therefore do not “operate like normal people,” as Cheri Minns, a makeup and hair artist presumably from One Hour Photo., said of him.  (I relate to the other things that she said about him.)  I’m not trying to say that I could ever come close to the ingenuous comedian that Robin Williams was.  I do, however, see quite a few similarities in how I process thoughts and feelings.  I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, as he allegedly was for a time in his life.  However, I’ve dealt with other kinds of addiction.  And, there are other similarities that I sensed while watching the documentary but also from having seen and heard some of the other things said about him since his passing.

So, as I ask in nearly every blogpost, what’s my point?  My point is that I think we’re all connected… probably in many more ways than most of us might care to admit.  We all desire to love and be loved, and ultimately, that’s really what makes the world go ’round.

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Faith Amidst Euroclydon

Swirling thoughts of uselessness, hopelessness, and despair encircle me to the point of near devastation and yet somehow I keep my head up or rather, I keep moving forward.

Recently, a friend of mine with a very similar personality to my own, texted something to me that made sense of my swirling thoughts and my seeming inability to formulate them in to words.  I usually keep those kinds of words/texts and dwell on them for days, weeks, months, sometimes even years.  However, I also occasionally tend to “clean out closets” in an attempt to not be a hoarder (even of words).  And, unfortunately, this apparently is one of those times.  Otherwise, I’d share with you the exact words this friend used.

As so many of my fellow Christians say, “I went to church on Sunday.”  I’m trying to change my vocabulary and say, “I went to a worship service on Sunday.”  I realize I’m being a bit “nit picky” and yet words and descriptions really do have an impact on how things are viewed.  The discussion regarding how to define the word “church” is better saved for another time.  My point to all of this is to tell of something I heard while at said aforementioned service that relates to my swirling thoughts and to what my friend said about me.

The pastor of this particular group of believers has been working through the book of Acts.  This past Sunday, he indicated that he’s never heard chapter 27 preached quite like he had at the Calvary Chapel 2017 International Senior Pastors & Wives Conference.  He shared the video of Damian Kyle teaching/preaching.  The following is part of what struck me as significant.

Acts 27:20 says this in the second part of the verse,

…all hope that we should be saved was then taken away.

This comes after they faced Euroclydon in verse 14.  Euroclydon is described as:

• a tempestuous head wind
• a wind of hurricane force
• a violent wind
• a wind of typhoon strength
• a gale-force wind

It was seen as an infamous northeastern storm, not unlike the winter storm that recently hit the northeastern part of the United States.  Damian Kyle explained that he feels this particular story of a shipwreck was included to show us that even when all hope is lost, God is still there.  He went on to share the famous Footprints in the Sand poem.  I remember truly loving that poem as a child/adolescent and yet now I somehow feel as though it is over-used.  But, my mind is wandering again.  Back to what I considered ‘significant.’

I suppose one must realize that part of the significance comes from what the pastor did/said after the video of Damian Kyle was finished.  The pastor asked for people around the room/auditorium/sanctuary to stand if they’d been through a Euroclydon-type storm and come out “victorious” on the other side.  I remember feeling like I could perhaps half-way stand, and yet… I still so much feel like I’m in the middle of a Euroclydon because of my swirling thoughts that I’ve already mentioned… (numerous times, if you follow my blog at all).  After he had people stand as a “testimony to God’s faithfulness,” he then asked for people to stand who felt as though they were in the midst of a Euroclydon.  I stood, but then I immediately started crying and could not stay on my feet.  My younger daughter was with me, and she held out her hand to mine.  A man I’ve never seen before or since came and placed his hand on my shoulder or arm and asked if I was okay.  I nodded my head amidst my sobs.  (What else could I do or say?)

Why am I sharing this with any of you? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know except to say that somehow, not by my own choosing, God has given me a faith in Him that cannot be explained.  It is this faith that keeps my head above the waters, or as I stated earlier, keeps me moving forward.

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Satirical Saturday or my poor attempt at inaccurate alliteration

I’ve not blogged in a while… not because I’ve not wanted or needed to, but because I’m afraid of what people will think. Within recent months, I’ve told people (who I actually know) about my blog. And, that’s what has me frightened. I’m afraid I’ll divulge something that heretofore has been somewhat private. I’m afraid of being judged. (I know how people are… myself included. Why are we that way?)

Life is a complicated thing. Daily, all of us are learning how to maneuver and manage in this world… whether we realize it or not. Our world is changing fast. We don’t see it because of the intense speed with which it is changing.

I no longer feel like I’m able to accurately articulate my true feelings and thoughts about things. It’s like my own little corner of the world is spinning around and around and around with no end in sight, and I’m scrambling to try and figure out how to hold on or jump off. With my propensity to over-think things (EVERYthing), this spinning wheel may eventually crash. That being said, I truly am glad that I have a personal relationship with the One who holds it all together. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. As James says, I’m verrrry slowly learning to “count it all joy when [I] fall into various trials.”

This song is not really related… or is it?

p.s. I have a different place to live. See my previous post if you don’t understand.

Praying for Open Hands

I am hesitant to ask for prayer mainly because my problems seem relatively minor compared to most.  However, I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed.  Things at work have changed supposedly for the better, and yet things are different.  (And even though, in this case, different and better are good; they are still stressful.)  The place where I live is being placed on the market to be sold.  Searching for another place is difficult at best (especially considering my very limited income).  The wonderful people who are a part of my local church and small group are so loving and kind, and yet I still so very often feel alone.  Considering the lilies of the field and the birds of the air (and how God provides for them) is great until my feet have to hit the pavement.  Trusting the Lord, completely, has been and continues to be one of the most difficult things. I am not even sure what to ask you to pray for, but thank you to whomever does pray.

This song by Laura Story featuring Mac Powell from Third Day is one of many that comes to mind:

“Mrs. Positive” vs. the Ex-Wife

So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity.  Obviously, something is not right.  Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself.  However, I need to get over it.  (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me.  Oh wait… I should label her properly.  It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.”  Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )

Do I have a point to this?  Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam.  I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters).  I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject.  Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here?  I highly doubt it.  Will she ever see this?  Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it?  Probably.  Will she be?  I don’t know.  It’s possible.  But, will we all get over it?  Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”?  I sure hope so!  Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better.  I don’t know.

The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers.  To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great!  I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excerpts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.

Seemingly endless frustration

I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with myself for…

being frustrated
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it

knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem

thinking
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)

Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…

one person commented on the actual post

a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)

several people replied via text saying…

I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!

I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh)  <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).

So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't.  I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense.   I don't want to be like the next person.  I don't want to be famous.  I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob.  I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me.  And yet, when validation is received, then what?  What do I do with that?  Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?

Digressing and Trusting

I digress.  My post from earlier this week didn’t make much sense.  But, that’s okay.  I realize that I never really explained why I felt like I wanted to argue with Beth Moore.  And, after re-reading her devotion for October 24, I realize that I’m not even sure about what it was that I thought I wanted to argue.  So, I start telling myself how silly and useless I am… when deep down, I know that I’m not useless.  (Perhaps I am silly but not useless.)

My ongoing depression seems to keep me in a near constant state of second guessing myself.  That’s just the thing that the devil wants me to be doing… focusing on myself and not on Jesus and not on honorable, right, and lovely things (Philippians 4:8).  Thing is, I tend to take all that I’ve ever read (specifically from the Bible) and ‘latched onto’ as things I need to do all at the same time.  When very often, God would have me simply rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30).

When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action?  Paul’s writings seem full of action… especially in Philippians where we’re told to rejoice in the Lord always, pray about everything, do all things through Christ, press on to the goal, look out for the interests of others, don’t grumble or dispute, and on and on.  And yet, in some ways, he sums it all up in the first chapter when he says, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (See Philippians 1:21.)  It would seem that the “how” of moving from rest to action is to continually focus on Christ.  And, to continually focus on Christ would indicate that it must be done every moment of every day.

Some would say that it’s impossible to do anything every moment of every day, and yet we breathe every moment of every day.  Is breathing something with which we struggle?  (Those with a lower lung capacity or some other type of respiratory problem do, but I’m talking about the average person.)  No, of course not.  However, we seem to struggle with breathing Jesus in and out.  (I’m ‘preaching’ to myself… as much as anyone else.)  “Consider the lilies” comes to mind.  (See Matthew 6:28-29 and Luke 12:27.) If only we would trust.  As Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost For His Highest for October 27, the “secret of joy is that you have the right relationship with [Jesus].”

Perhaps ‘resting’ and ‘acting’, as I’ve coined them, can be simultaneous as we press on to the goal.  (See Philippians 3:13-14.)